I really liked high school. By junior year, I had a group of people who I fit in with and the people I cared about cared about me too. I had been in the same community my entire life and as a high schooler it seemed a little bit like I owned it, in the way that teenagers think they’re invincible and that they run their own lives. I was invested in the people around me, and living a productive and fruitful life.
Senior year was a little different though. I was still happy and healthy, but suddenly my high school life in my hometown was in jeopardy. It wouldn’t last much longer, and I had to figure out where to go and what to do. Applying to colleges was stressful because I had never done it before, and I was full of fear that I wouldn’t be accepted or something would go wrong. I have always been afraid of the unknown, and that fear was heavily manifested in college application anxiety.
Even in the second semester of senior year, after I had been accepted to all the schools I had applied to, I was still anxious. I didn’t know which school to choose; it was a decision I felt ill-equipped to make. I actually knew where I wanted to go, but I was still afraid of the unknown and really afraid that I would let someone down. It’s a really silly fear, but I am a people pleaser, and whenever I told someone what schools I was thinking about, I imagined that I could tell they had a specific preference as to where I went to school. In the end, I realized it was my decision and I discovered quickly that I made the right one.
Now, three short years later, I find that I’m back in that stressful position. Senior year of high school seems like a trial run for senior year of college. With college graduation looming, I am faced again with the question of what I will do afterward, and it’s even scarier now because I’m older and need to become a real grown up. This fall semester I’ve applied to graduate schools and I’m again waiting to find out if I’ll be accepted or not.
Already, that other stress of feeling like a disappointment to others is setting in. The graduate programs I’ve applied to are for a master’s in library science. When I tell people I want to be a librarian, it’s clear they don’t know how to react. I hate putting people in this position, where they are surprised and a little confused and definitely think I’m crazy. So my anxiety levels skyrocket when someone asks me what’s next for my life.
There are two lessons that I’m learning to cling to through this second season of seniority. The first one addresses my fear of disappointing people, which I also deal with in many other areas of my life. The truth is this: it really doesn’t matter what others think. It pains me to write it because it sounds so cliche and I’m embarrassed to still struggle with such a simple truth. I still seek the approval of others, even though I have been set free by the blood of Christ. I must now seek the affirmation of only one person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and yet so often I seek it from everyone except him.
The second lesson may be helpful for more people; it addresses the lie that I have to know what I will do after I graduate. The truth here is, of course, that I don’t. I have enough money in my savings to cover rent in case it takes me a while to find a good job. I have plans for graduate school that will lead directly into jobs in the field I want to work in. If I don’t get into the program I want to get into, I’ll be okay. There are plenty of jobs in the area, and I’ll figure out how to do something I love even if it’s not part of my primary employment.
Overall, I need to remember not to panic. I survived senior year once, and I can absolutely do it again. The Lord will see me through this as he has seen me through every other stage of life, and all I am called to do is to serve him faithfully. I’ll leave you with my new year’s resolution: don’t take yourself too seriously. Find joy in the everyday and make plans for the future without becoming fixated on their being perfectly fulfilled.